I write this piece for @afeministcalltoarms on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women 2018, following a recent revelation I had relating to what constitutes this type of violence.
The word ‘violence’ conjures up images of physical attack, however I have come to realise that it is much more than that. Gender based violence #gbv can be physical, sexual, verbal, psychological or emotional (and this is not an exhaustive list). The latter is something I was unfortunately subjected to by an ex partner who - for a period of around 10 months earlier this year - had been blurring my senses so powerfully, it took me some time to break out of the gas-lighting loop.
Poet and storyteller Yrsa Daley-Ward wrote this insightful treasure that I wish I’d seen at the time:
"Loving someone who hates
themselves
is a special kind of violence.
A fight inside the bones.
A war within the blood."
These are some of the truest words I have ever had the privilege to read. They have helped me to recognise that any blame should be shifted away from myself and onto the person who was actually committing those acts and saying those words.
I had always written creatively (albeit sporadically) with large periods of time between each piece; university and career establishment had taken up much of my mental energy for years. Eventually in 2017 I somehow found myself in a pretty horrid situation. Imagine for a moment that you are living in a foreign country, existing with someone who had transformed into an ogre as soon as you moved in together, who began to project all his deeply repressed trauma and appalling coping mechanisms onto you. This situation became the catalyst that lead me to writing both daily and obsessively.
Hungover and on the weary receiving end of yet another one of his 'mood-storms', I decided to do something productive that I hoped would provide a small chink of light in an otherwise grim day. So, using an alias, I set up a new Instagram account for uploading my poetry. One morning, after another round of verbal castigation over my ‘audacity’ in speaking up to defend myself, I wrote a poem in a frustrated flurry of around three minutes. The crux of ‘Not Your Doll’ was that some men prefer their girlfriends to take the form of glitter and ornament. As though we become mute living dolls with hell to pay if we ever start to use our voices. This poem culminates with these two lines:
"They say they love the SPARK
But what they really wanted was the sparkle"
I uploaded 'Not Your Doll' later that day and was so delighted by the feedback it received. People liked this type of kickback poetry; poetry that in some way is a voice for those who are systematically denied their own.
And the rest is, as they say, history. I went on to change my Instagram username to include my real name: @lauraferrieswriter. Writing soon became my life blood and that in turn lead me on the path to finding strength in my own words. As I saw them looking back at me from a notepad or laptop screen, I began to recognise my true worth and was eventually able to walk away.
Over time I have noticed that the poems which garner the most appreciation are the ones which address feminism, misogyny and female empowerment. This tells me there is a collective need and appreciation of words, all over the world, which remind us of who we are and what we deserve.
Perhaps ironically, I had never associated my ex partner's behaviour with the term 'misogyny' as he claimed to be 'liberal minded' when it came to gender. I thought: "he is some things, but he is not a misogynist". But one day, after I had left him, I was reading one of the many psychology articles I had been using to gain perspective on my situation. I read a line that struck a chord with me: "any acts of emotional abuse and subjugation of the female partner of a relationship is undeniable misogyny."
I know that anyone can be a victim of abuse; those who abuse are on a ruthless quest to alleviate themselves of their self-loathing by transferring it on to another, usually a kind and tolerant person. Because we are easier to exploit. It is however widely recognised that it is much more common for men to abuse women. In fact while 1 in 9 men will experience severe intimate partner physical violence, it is as high as 1 in 4 women who will experience this and always at the hands of a male intimate partner.
I have gone on to write for several women's/feminist publications about my experiences, including an article for the women’s travel website Pink Pangea about being verbally harassed for my choice of outfit whilst at a fair in Spain. The editor of a Visual Arts magazine called CVA Zine included my poem ‘Female DOGma’ in his edition dedicated to feminism. This reception to my writing has both humbled and inspired me.
What started as a tentative outlet for the myriad poetic thoughts running through my head every day, became being part of a community of writers around the world who find empowerment through poetry.
Bolstered by the positivity of this community, I set out to undertake the biggest creative project of my writer's life to date: a book of narrative poetry entitled ‘Somewhere Between Roses & Oranges'. This single project has been the one constant in what was a tumultuous period in my life. The empowerment it filled me with became the bright beacon of hope I needed to take back ownership of my life and my identity. What I was writing was already within me, I just needed to realise that I was no longer going to endure my oppression and the silencing of my voice.
What I hope for with this book is that the women who read it feel the sense of empowerment, galvanisation and autonomy that writing it has given me.
My voice was there all along, I just needed the vocabulary to recognise it.
By Laura Ferries
@lauraferrieswriter
Edited by SheCurates
